A Prequel to Fear

To tell you the truth, my memory of past events are very fuzzy. Much of what I will write is based on assumptions of facts of my personality at the time. Interpretation is the name of this game which I shall play so do not assume all that will be revealed as fact. Question the validity of certain points, doubt specific premises, and most of all, distrust memories. I tell stories, not truths.

I will take you back to a time of when I was age 13. The scenario: a family reunion at a cousin's house in Pleasant Hill and a high speed descent with little safety gear. Us children were harried by the loud conversations held by the adults and the loud television playing a movie at deafening volumes for our grandparents so we fled into the sanctity of the stairway and the upper floor. We had eaten a few a hours ago so the potential for cramping was near-finished. I bring this up because while we were eating, the eldest male cousin had proposed that we take the scooters for a ride around the neighborhood. That had sounded fun to the second eldest cousin and me, but not to my younger cousins and my sisters. When I had heard that my sisters who had protected me almost my entire life weren't coming, I immediately felt like reconsidering. I had agreed to the escapade during the meal, but expressed  my doubts only as my elder cousins and I descended the stairs and headed to the garage. They told me that if only the two of the were going, then there would be no point in going. I did not retort. We had passed my sisters and our eldest female cousin, the sister of our eldest male cousin, on our way down. My sisters stopped us and asked me if I still wanted to go and I was just about ready to run to them and join whatever they were doing at the time, but my eldest cousin said that I had said that I would. I immediately felt some guilt well up with the thought of ditching my eldest cousins. My sisters had bade him let me respond. After a pause and some stammering, I had said, in a reluctant tone, "I wanted to go." I had hoped that they would continue their commandeering of the situation so that I could hold off going as much as possible, but they just shrugged when I given my reply and resumed their playing. At that moment, I wished that everyone could read my mind so that they could tell I didn't want to go. I trailed behind my cousins slightly lagging behind. I couldn't help but feel like I was being pressured into going. But I didn't dare put up any resistance in the end. I was afraid that they would get mad at me. I was deathly afraid of going. But, what was I more afraid of?